It’s been a long time since I’ve actually blogged, and so much has happened since my last post. For starters, I’m clean and sober again (yay!) and my dog will be a year on the 26th of this month (my how the time has flown!) Not only am I sober, but I dove head first into recovery from ed and I’ve gained a ton of weight, I’m now at my all time highest weight and the most unhealthy healthy I’ve ever been (if that even makes any sense).. I’ve also gotten into photography and bought a new camera, I went back to school and I’m finishing my degree finally, and I’m completely over my ex; which is about time being that this summer will be three years.. Long story short, I’m doing okay. I know, it’s weird, that I’m actually “okay”, but I’m content and I’m learning that I don’t need chaos in my life, that just being still is okay.
I don’t actually ever remember a point in my life, from my earliest memory, to recent memories, where there hasn’t been chaos going on. If it wasn’t there I made it for myself because I didn’t know how to function without it. And now, after learning to love myself, I’m able to just be. I don’t beat myself up over every little thing still. yeah sure I have a long ways to go still from where I want to be, but I’m getting there step by step.
Anyways, I’m blogging again because I’ve been struggling with the “ed voices” and I don’t want to relapse, so I thought being able to write what’s going on and when I’m struggling or not struggling will be good. As far as my thoughts go, just gaining all the weight I have has really been difficult for me. It seems as if I go from one end of the spectrum to the other end of the spectrum and I don’t know how to just float in the middle area when it comes to eating. I defiantly wouldn’t consider myself recovered, but I’m not restricting and I’m not binging and purging, instead, I find myself over eating and stopping most of the time before it gets to be a binge. Like tonight, I binged on a bag of meatballs. It didn’t start off that way, it just kinda happened after I wanted a small snack before bed. I didn’t purge and I’m not really beating myself up over it, instead it just is what it is, but I feel guilty over it. I feel guilty because I’m supposed to be on weight watchers and keeping track of points, but earlier I also ate a half of bag of chocolate -_- So tonight I made up my mind that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and I decided to workout. Long ramble short, I just need some support. I need a place where I can come when I want to binge or over eat and understand why I “feel” hungry when I’m actually not. So I’m back. I’ll start blogging tomorrow and I’ll try not to ramble like I did tonight 😛