It’s been a long time since I’ve actually blogged, and so much has happened since my last post. For starters, I’m clean and sober again (yay!) and my dog will be a year on the 26th of this month (my how the time has flown!) Not only am I sober, but I dove head first into recovery from ed and I’ve gained a ton of weight, I’m now at my all time highest weight and the most unhealthy healthy I’ve ever been (if that even makes any sense).. I’ve also gotten into photography and bought a new camera, I went back to school and I’m finishing my degree finally, and I’m completely over my ex; which is about time being that this summer will be three years.. Long story short, I’m doing okay. I know, it’s weird, that I’m actually “okay”, but I’m content and I’m learning that I don’t need chaos in my life, that just being still is okay.
I don’t actually ever remember a point in my life, from my earliest memory, to recent memories, where there hasn’t been chaos going on. If it wasn’t there I made it for myself because I didn’t know how to function without it. And now, after learning to love myself, I’m able to just be. I don’t beat myself up over every little thing still. yeah sure I have a long ways to go still from where I want to be, but I’m getting there step by step.
Anyways, I’m blogging again because I’ve been struggling with the “ed voices” and I don’t want to relapse, so I thought being able to write what’s going on and when I’m struggling or not struggling will be good. As far as my thoughts go, just gaining all the weight I have has really been difficult for me. It seems as if I go from one end of the spectrum to the other end of the spectrum and I don’t know how to just float in the middle area when it comes to eating. I defiantly wouldn’t consider myself recovered, but I’m not restricting and I’m not binging and purging, instead, I find myself over eating and stopping most of the time before it gets to be a binge. Like tonight, I binged on a bag of meatballs. It didn’t start off that way, it just kinda happened after I wanted a small snack before bed. I didn’t purge and I’m not really beating myself up over it, instead it just is what it is, but I feel guilty over it. I feel guilty because I’m supposed to be on weight watchers and keeping track of points, but earlier I also ate a half of bag of chocolate -_- So tonight I made up my mind that I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and I decided to workout. Long ramble short, I just need some support. I need a place where I can come when I want to binge or over eat and understand why I “feel” hungry when I’m actually not. So I’m back. I’ll start blogging tomorrow and I’ll try not to ramble like I did tonight 😛
Well, after two years I’m finally getting the closure I needed to move on from my engagement ending, but my heart hurts again. With my ex-fiance messaging me, I’ve gone through so many emotions and right now I’m just sad. I don’t know if I actually want him back or if I have just been obsessing over the break up because I never had closure. i don’t know, but this hurts, a lot and I don’t know what to think right now 😦
It’s funny, I used to think I was fat when I was actually skinny, and now being fat, well some days I think I look good. It’s weird how eating disorders work. It can be your best friend in the beginning but then turn into your worst nightmare in the end. I often wonder why me. Why have I been one of the ones to recover from anorexia and bulimia? Now don’t get me wrong, most days I can eat a normal course of food during the day. However some days, and it seems to be increasingly more and more, I’ve been binging at night. It’s not even like a real binge, it’s more of snacking at night, every night since I’m bored and alone. I am currently back up to my highest weight, the weight which triggered the eating disorder numerous times throughout bouts of recovery.. A weight that, I have never understood how one allows them self to get to, but now with being healthy; it’s actually kinda easy.. Ohh the irony.
You see, this was me BEFORE I lost anoter 25 pounds thinking I looked good, looked healthy.
And this was me when I thought I was fat because I gained 50 of those pounds back..
And again when I said I was healthy but was still purging at night
And here I am at my “all time highest weight” on the left and when I got to a healthy weight for me last year.
I’ve gone through every stage of an eating disorder- the hospital stays, the I’m better at hiding it stage, the I don’t have a problem stage, to damn it I’m going to beat this stage only to end back up at the I don’t give a fuck how I get and stay skinny stage for the last 16 going on 17 years now. I’m about at that last stage. I’m back up to my all time highest weight and I hate my body. This time around I even got stretch marks.. It’s not okay. But I’ve never been so far into the recovery stage as I am today either. I’ve been walking slippery roads these last couple of weeks. Purging a couple times this month and taking diet pills again. I’ve even started skipping meals now and again. I have honestly reached my tolerance for recovery, but then I start to engage in the disordered eating patterns and the side effects aren’t worth it to me anymore: stomach ulcers, heart burn, physical and mental side effects, and so many more. I catch myself going back to that place unconsciously until I stop and take a step back. It scares me and yet excites me. To be thin and noticed for my body again is something I want so badly and yet, the counselor in me says no, this is a dark place to be headed back down.
So I’ve about made it through another day and all I can think about is using.. Every fiber in my body is screaming to get high and I don’t know how much more I can take. Tomorrow will be a week again that I haven’t popped a pill, and I was talking to my sponsor earlier today telling her that I can’t stop craving. She says it’s the opiates, even though I haven’t really used in two weeks. She says that Saturday I went on that binder fucked things up more. The last time I used consistently was in college and it was hell getting off, but at least I was able to smoke and get drunk still, and even feed into the bulimia more.. Now? well… I’m kicking it all and I feel like I’m dying. This is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever done..
Truth? I’m straight up struggling right now not to use. Every fiber in my body is screaming to get high or drunk.. I’ve already gone on a walk, played with the dog, had some private time, and now I’m trying to write it out. The only problem? I don’t know why I’m struggling so much.. I’m not really thinking about too much. I’m slightly stressed about work and money. Other than that, I don’t know why I want to use. I’m not bored, I’m not tired, I’m most certainly not hungry, so what gives? Why is it that I just want to get faded? It’s taken everything in me not to hit up some “friends” and just kick it right now, and I’m proud of myself for not doing so, but good lord does this feeling ever suck! I seriously have a ton of respect for those that have been able to get and stay sober because I really don’t know if I’m capable of it.
So then question..
For those of you that are sober, what has helped you get and stay sober when you just wanted to use?
Today is day four of being back on track and sober. I know, not a long time at all, but it is for me. If I didn’t have that blip over the weekend it would have been day 13 without substances, without drinking, and without binging and purging. I honestly haven’t gone that long with any of this all at once, well, ever.
It’s weird.. yet strangely freeing?
I’m not trying to question it, not trying to label it, I’m just trying to be. Just be in the moment. I’m always in such a hurry to judge what I’m feeling, to try to avoid it or push it back, or even just get rid of the feeling that I’m never really just being in the moment. This last slip up taught me that it’s okay to just be. Just be in the moment. Just be still. Just be present. Getting high doesn’t take the pain away. Getting drunk doesn’t take the memories away. Binging and purging doesn’t take the shame away of the past. Instead what all those things do is add to the shame and guilt, add to the embarrassment, and add to the self-hatred. At the end of the day when you’ve sobered up or ate so much food that it literally hurts to blink and you get rid of all of it, the problem is still there. The thoughts reappear and you’ve just added to the mess that you try so desperately to escape. I know that’s how it feels for me. So even though all I’ve wanted to do is get high today, I didn’t. Instead I told myself I was proud of what I’m doing. Told myself I’m more than the addiction. That I’m more than the pain I hold inside or the things that have happened to me. And then I reached out to a friend. And just was.
“When you stop and just be you start to see all the beauty around you..”
Taken tonight just before the storm rolled in 🙂
So I saw my counselor today and didn’t know what to say. I feel like every time I want to open up and say what’s going on I go completely blank and just withdraw, answering most questions with I don’t know or just being silent. I don’t get it. I have so much going on in my head, but I don’t know how to communicate it, ever. I want to talk, I really do, but I get freaked out I then I don’t. Being sober and actually talking about shit is hard as fuck. Harder than I ever thought it would be
This last week I’ve had a lot of OMG moments, what the fuck am I doing with my life. It’s as if the universe is literally forcing me to take inventory of my life. For example, my aunt and my uncle ripped me a new one this past weekend because I not only messed up Saturday but I got trashed at my cousin’s going away party and threw a complete fit that I was “okay” to drive home. Needless to say after a long “talking to” my aunt compared me to my cousin who is in jail for heroin charges. I was so appalled because I’ve never in my life have done a hard drug, but I like my pills, weed, and alcohol. It’s really not that different when it comes down to it. She started out just like this too and eventually turned to harder drugs. Then my poor work habits at work finally caught up to me today… I got another write up because apparently making your clinical notes super vague and general is fraud? I had no idea what so ever, so… yeah… Not to mention my bank account is in the negatives, my credit cards are maxed out, and I really and truly just don’t give two fucks anymore. I find myself lying, not even big lies, but little white lies for absolutely no reason, just to try to get approval. I really and truly feel as if I have spiraled out of control and now I’m just trying to stay afloat.. When I say I think there’s something wrong with me I’m really not making anything up. Tomorrow I think I’m going to be completely honest with my therapist and tell her everything going on. I don’t want to, but I mean I’ve literally have fallen off the horse and I keep trying to justify it. I feel like that right there is number one sign that I have a problem. I try to justify everything I do when I know it’s not okay. Anyways, I haven’t used pills since Saturday and yesterday I just drank a shit ton of beer. My sponsor doesn’t know I went to the party and she sure as hell don’t know that I got so drunk last night either. I definitely can’t pull one over her- she’s good, like real good so I know when she finds out she’s going to be pissed that I left the dog at home all day in the crate to party. I really just wish I knew what was going on with me because I swear something’s changed and something’s not right
Yesterday I went on a little bit of a binder and ruined my 9th day of sobriety. I’m pissed off at myself for throwing all that hard work away as if it meant nothing to me. By the time I was starting to sober up I realized a few things:
- My friends I was with were not my actual friends. They knew I was trying to get sober and yet they still supported my choices to use, without asking if I was sure of it or telling me not to. I know that this was my choice, but real friends wouldn’t help feed into that.
- I can’t take care of my animals the way I should if I’m getting messed up. Last night when I got home I let the dog out of the crate and was too high to watch what he was getting into. Needless to say I woke up to him vomiting all over bed this morning. He ate a good chunk of mulch from the guinea pig cage… I’m lucky that it was’t anything too dangerous that he could have died from…
- If I had kids, I would be a shitty parent.. If I can’t even be responsible for taking care of a dog how am I going to have a family?
- I’m too old for this shit. It’s time to get my life together, once and for all. I can either continue to let my monsters from the past eat me alive or I can be brave and courageous and fight back. Taking back the control that I continue to give up..
- I’m self-sabatoging my future that I’ve worked so hard to get too. If I’m wanting to help people, then I’ve gotta help myself first..
- I need a plan. I need goals. And I need to continuously be working towards something if I’m going to get sober and stay sober..
So today after I get off here, I’m throwing out the rest of my stash. I’m starting over and I’m going to be open and honest about everything. No more drinking, no more pills, and no more smoking. I’m going to end up killing myself one day if I don’t stop and I can’t do it for anyone but me. I’ve learned that sobriety is about me, not trying to please someone in order to get approval, not trying to just go through the motions of life. For now on I won’t allow myself to see getting high as an option if I’m having a bad day and I can’t deal with it. And I’m going to stop beating myself up because everyone slips up when starting recovery, it’s how you choose to deal with the slip up that matters..
What if the world saw past your fake smile and fixed up face.
What if the world actually cared?
What would you do?
Would you be honest,
Or would you run and hide, continuing the act that you’ve mastered?
I’ve chosen to run. The funny thing? Well, turns out the monsters were right, you can run but you can’t hide..
You can’t outrun your feelings.
Nor can you outrun your fears because they will catch up to you.
And I know this.
But, in the end, I always end up thinking I know what’s best.
I’m stuck in a crossroads now.
Do I give up on myself?
Do keep faking that I’m okay?
Or do I completely just end it all and chance what comes after?
Giving up on myself?
Well.. that seems like what I’ve already done and am currently doing.
Not much better. I’ve pretty much mastered that too.
And just ending it, I’m too afraid.
I’m a hypocrite at heart. I want to die but I’m too coward to do so.